These are two posts I have done in the past:
Holiday season is still really hard for me. It starts with Thanksgiving. We were in the hospital with Alexander. We thought he would have been home by then, but do to the major surgery he had we were still there. He was on a ventilator, and very sick. My mom had gone on a much needed break/visit to my sister in DC (although she did pop in for a quick hello as she went to the airport). A cousin came in for a quick hello as well. My husbands family were doing their own thing so we were alone. Being alone in the hospital on a normal day is hard, but being there on a holiday is just that much harder. We had one friend whose daughter was also in, but they were in a different unit and we couldn’t visit each other. During Alexander time in the PICU he was very sick, his temp went up to 105 at one point and they couldn’t find out why. Even though it has been 13 years, that holiday still haunts me.
Christmas time is hard too. I remember the first Christmas we had two months after my dad had died. We were suppose to go to my Aunts house, but a snow storm kept us home. So me, my sister and my mom watched videos of my dad and cried. Alexander’s first Christmas was nice. He played the baby Jesus in the Christmas Pageant at Church that year. We had time at my moms house, then went to my husbands mom for family time there. Lots of smiles. He would be diagnosed with stupid cancer just 73 days after that.
Christmas 2010 we were in the hospital. There was a Christmas party for the oncology children, my husband I did go over for a bit. But it was strange to be there without Alexander. Santa did make a visit and bring some toys for him. On Christmas morning, the nurse knocked on my door and told me to not order breakfast, because a family had brought it for us. This was a family whose child had died a few years before. They knew how hard the holidays were, and wanted to bring us some cheer. Santa visited again that morning. Richard had to work the 3-11 shift, but we had a nice lunch with him and my mom and sister in the hospital. We made the best of what we were given. A couple of weeks before that someone knocked on our door. It was a neighbor who also worked at the hospital. She had taken up a collection for us and presented us with over $300 in gift cards as well as some presents for Alexander! I am usually on the giving side of such things, so to be the one receiving was very overwhelming!! The morning after that I went to check the mail or something, and found another pile of toys for Alexander on the front porch.
Christmas is a strange time for me. I want to be so happy for my other children, but I am always missing Alexander too. This year has been a particularly off year. My older daughter was very excited to put the tree up, but since then hasn’t seemed to excited about much. Usually we go and see Christmas lights a couple of times, and she hasn’t asked at all this year. This week she has been under the weather so that isn’t helping much either. I had a cold at the start of the week as well, so I lost a lot of motivation. As much as I dislike the snow, it just doesn’t seem like winter when the temperatures are in the 40/50’s up north!
Many of my friends lost their children around this time of year, so my heart always hurts for them. This year, one friend lost their Dad just last week, and his wife lost her Mom 6 months ago. Hard to be happy at times like this.
For those of you who are struggling this holiday season, be kind to yourself Do what you can handle. If all you can handle is staying in bed all day long, then that is A-okay.
Hugs and Love to all of you.
thecookiegal 
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